The problem with being "too nice" at work | Tessa West
10Digest
In this episode of Ted Business, Psychology Professor Tessa West explores the phenomenon of "anxious niceness" in the workplace, arguing that it can be harmful to both the giver and receiver of feedback. She explains how our anxiety in uncomfortable social situations often leads us to give generic, positive feedback that is ultimately unhelpful. West highlights the importance of specific, constructive feedback, even if it includes negative aspects, as a way to provide meaningful guidance and support. She emphasizes the need to replace negative feedback with specific suggestions for improvement and to start small with neutral feedback before moving towards more critical observations. West concludes by advocating for a culture of honest and useful feedback, delivered with kindness and respect.
Outlines
Introduction
This Chapter introduces the concept of "anxious niceness" and how it manifests in social interactions, particularly in the workplace. It sets the stage for the talk by highlighting the common tendency to be overly polite and avoid giving direct feedback, even when it's necessary.
The Science of Awkward Interactions
This Chapter delves into the scientific research behind anxious niceness, examining how our physiological responses to discomfort can influence our social behavior. It explores the link between anxiety, nonverbal cues, and the tendency to give generic, positive feedback, even in situations where honest criticism is needed.
The Solution: Specific and Constructive Feedback
This Chapter presents the solution to the problem of anxious niceness: giving specific and constructive feedback. It emphasizes the importance of replacing general praise with detailed observations and suggestions for improvement. The chapter also highlights the need to frame feedback in a way that is both honest and respectful, focusing on specific behaviors and offering clear alternatives.
Changing the Culture of Feedback
This Chapter provides practical advice on how to shift the culture of feedback in the workplace. It emphasizes the importance of starting small with neutral feedback and gradually working towards more critical observations. The chapter also stresses the need to be mindful of the receiver's perspective and to deliver feedback with kindness and respect.
Keywords
Anxious Niceness
A term coined by Tessa West to describe the phenomenon of being overly nice in social situations, particularly when feeling anxious or uncomfortable. It often involves giving generic, positive feedback that is not helpful or constructive. This behavior can be detrimental to both the giver and receiver of feedback, as it can hinder personal growth and create a culture of avoidance.
Constructive Feedback
Feedback that is specific, actionable, and focused on improvement. It aims to provide guidance and support, rather than simply praising or criticizing. Constructive feedback is essential for personal and professional growth, as it allows individuals to identify areas for development and make positive changes.
Tessa West
A psychology professor and author who specializes in the science of uncomfortable social interactions. She is known for her research on anxious niceness and her advocacy for a culture of honest and useful feedback. West's work has been featured in numerous publications and media outlets, and she is a sought-after speaker on topics related to communication, social dynamics, and personal growth.
Ted Business
A podcast from the Ted Audio Collective that explores the intersection of business and ideas. The podcast features talks from leading thinkers and innovators in various fields, offering insights and inspiration for entrepreneurs, leaders, and anyone interested in the future of work.
Tedx
A program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. Tedx events are independently organized and licensed by TED, and they feature speakers from diverse backgrounds who share their ideas and perspectives on a wide range of topics.
Plural Ignorance
A phenomenon where individuals in a group privately disagree with a norm or belief, but publicly conform to it because they mistakenly believe that others support it. This can lead to a situation where everyone is acting in a way that they believe is expected, even though they privately disagree with it. In the context of anxious niceness, plural ignorance can contribute to a culture of overly positive feedback, even though many individuals may privately prefer more honest and constructive feedback.
Feedback Culture
The prevailing norms and practices surrounding the giving and receiving of feedback within an organization or group. A healthy feedback culture encourages open communication, constructive criticism, and a willingness to learn and grow. A culture of anxious niceness, on the other hand, can stifle growth and hinder progress by creating an environment where people are afraid to give or receive honest feedback.
Q&A
What is "anxious niceness" and how does it manifest in the workplace?
Anxious niceness is the tendency to be overly nice in social situations, particularly when feeling anxious or uncomfortable. In the workplace, this can manifest as giving generic, positive feedback that is not helpful or constructive. For example, instead of providing specific suggestions for improvement, someone might simply say "Great job!" or "You're a great team player!" This type of feedback can be detrimental to both the giver and receiver, as it can hinder personal growth and create a culture of avoidance.
Why is specific, constructive feedback more effective than generic praise?
Specific, constructive feedback is more effective because it provides clear guidance and support. It allows individuals to identify areas for development and make positive changes. Generic praise, on the other hand, can be vague and unhelpful. It may make the receiver feel good in the moment, but it doesn't provide any actionable information that can lead to improvement.
How can we change the culture of feedback in the workplace to encourage more honest and useful feedback?
To change the culture of feedback, we need to start small and gradually work towards a more open and constructive approach. This involves starting with neutral feedback, such as suggesting a change in the order of presentation points or font style, and gradually moving towards more critical observations. It's also important to frame feedback in a way that is both honest and respectful, focusing on specific behaviors and offering clear alternatives. By creating a culture where honest feedback is valued and encouraged, we can foster a more supportive and growth-oriented environment.
Show Notes
Are you "too nice" at work? Social psychologist Tessa West shares her research on how people attempt to mask anxiety with overly polite feedback — a practice that's more harmful than helpful — and gives three tips to swap generic, unhelpful observations with clear, consistent feedback, even when you feel awkward. After the talk, Modupe shares useful tips on how to share constructive criticism.
Table of contents
United States
